My car has a boyfriend

Okay, here is my question of the day...

So can anyone please identify this bird for me?

We kept seeing down the road in the swamp near us from around March to mid-April and then it disappeared for a month. This morning it was in the neighbor's yard and waddled over to our yard when it saw my kids and I come outside to look at it (which makes me think it is domesticated.)

It let me take pictures for a while. And then, it saw its reflection in the car and it would not leave for the longest time. Kept squawking at the reflection, ruffling its feathers, and then gently pecking at the car. I had to go meet my husband at the garage, and then we ran errands at the same time. We've come back and its nowhere to be seen right now, though we did find its muddy duck/goose footprints up on the deck and the bag of dog food was all over the place. We'd bought a different food to try and it contains dried banana pieces, those were missing from the pile of food that dumped out.

We've been through our bird book and the closest we see for coloring is a snow goose, but the beak is really, really lumpy at the top, so snow goose no longer fits. We're puzzled to find out if anyone can identify it?

Okay, reality check.

I was cleaning things out because of the water in the basement. Had to move our homebrew to higher ground... actually, after seeing how much beer we have stocked up in the basement, I realize my next party needs to be a homebrew party just to drink some of it up... I can't drink as much as is stocked down there, but anyway...

I came across a Town Meeting Guide from 1998 - so it would have covered the year 1997. I am so SHOCKED at the differences between teachers' salaries then and now. Our Town Guide lists the current salaries for the public to see. These are base salaries and don't accomodate the paid vacation and benefits. So I grabbed the guide we got in March and did some comparing. One of the 3rd grade teachers went from 34k to 48k in this 8 year span. A special ed teacher went from 28k to 52k. The Middle school principal went from 52k to 78k. One of the Kindergarten teachers went from 29.5k to 57k. I find these pay raises absurd. I have no issues with slight pay raises, but it seems to me that these increases are far over the "minimal" 5% pay raises that we've been voting on. They also are not in accordance with the average person's pay raise.

Rain, rain go away...

Don't come back for a few months.

We've had too many days of straight rain. Rivers are flooded. Grounds are sopping wet. Plants are drowning. My husband and I were married 15 years ago. I've been waiting all spring to sit outside and smell the lilacs when they bloomed. So now they are finally open and the trees are sagging to the ground because the water has weighed down the flowers.

So yesterday morning, the dreaded water in the basement occured. I knew it was coming. I had to--we've had nothing but rain for almost three weeks. Apparently, we've had more rain than Seattle. I now know I could NEVER live in Seattle.

So if anyone wants to put in a pipeline from my basement to the south where they are dealing with a drought. I will happily let you hook the pipeline up to my sump pump. If you can handle five gallons every couple of minutes or so, the water is ALL yours!

Because one post is not enough...

I graduated from high school just about eighteen years ago. I still remember bumping into one of my favorite teachers after I took a job in mortgage banking -- her words to me were "Just remember that life isn't always fair and sometimes you have to just accept that things do not go your way."

Okay, so it's time to bring those words to the surface now. In today's economic times, I do not feel it is unfair for teachers to be paying 10% for their health insurance, nor do I think 15% a few years down the road is absurd to ask. Sure it's a good chunk of money, but come on, who doesn't pay that much in most cases??? I know some people who are now paying $50 co-pays and paying 25% and they are thankful to at least have health insurance.

So to that teacher who gave me that advice, I am shocked and disheartened that the teachers giving us advice such as this are throwing a hissy fit and striking because they feel more than 10% for health insurance is too much to ask. I'm sorry that I held you in such high esteem back then. You behavior now disgusts me. Get over yourselves.

I listened to the whole "We tried to negotiate at the last minute but the school board wouldn't accept our proposal." Why would that be? I'll let you know, because you were still planning on fighting, you were just going to take two years to do your battle.

The students are going to pay now. For ever moment you are on strike, the kids will suffer. The high schoolers will understand that your unwillingness to bend and at least meet the taxpayers halfway are going unnoticed.

When it absolutely has to be there...

AVOID FEDEX LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Dear FedEx:

This is the fifth time you have failed to deliver. Service in this area is pathetic and inexcusable. The first time, my new printer died unexpectedly. I put a call in to Brother and then sent me a replacement. Brother has this pathetic policy about taking a credit card during a warranty exchange because they want that original printer back and will charge you if you fail to return it. The printer arrived perfectly, and then Brother wanted the old printer packed into the same package returned within three days or the charge would go through. I called FedEx on the 2nd day when I had the new printer up and running. The delivery guy drove right by my house and never stopped. I called the 800 number and was told he'd definitely be there the next day. I explained the whole credit/charge issue and was told he would definitely be there. So I stayed home that next day and surprise, surprise he never came. Brother's Customer Service had to intervene and fight it for me, which thankfully they did, and also deleted the charge for me. The next morning the FedEx guy came and then never apologized, even after I made comments.

So the second time, I'd ordered some necessary items for a wedding and was guaranteed by the company that they could send FedEx and I'd have them on time. The FedEx shipment was set for two days before the wedding. They never showed up the day they were supposed to, nor did they show up on the day before the wedding. I spent more time on the phone with their stupid automated system than I should have. (KEY- As soon as that computer answers say "REPRESENTATIVE" and you can bypass the whole system). So I spent hours talking to the reps at the 800 number, and they had to page the truck driver who said he had the package, but he'd already delivered it. The address wasn't even close to mine - I still remember it was Cherry Street in a neighboring town and we live on Stone Bridge Road. The FedEx driver said he'd return to the Cherry Street location and try (emphasis on the word TRY) to retrieve the package.

So the day of the wedding, I had to leave no later than 11:00am, but was willing to push it to 11:30 and be a little late for the reception set up. By 10:30, there was no sign of the driver, so I was already on the line. 11am came and went. The driver finally agreed to meet us at a local gas station at noon. PATHETIC. So I decided after this that I was no longer going to use FedEx if I could possibly avoid it.

A year later, we were refinancing online and the bank only used FedEx. I told them I'd had horrible luck with FedEx, but they said the package with documents needing signatures would arrive on Wednesday at the latest. The loan was going to be cancelled if they didn't have documents by Friday at 5pm. The documents never came Wednesday, so I started calling. FedEx couldn't locate the package at all. I did get them Thursday at 5:15pm, turns out a truck never got unloaded. It was too late to send them back that night, so I'd already arranged with the bank to get an extension, which they did grant given FedEx's screw up.

So it's been well over a year since I've bothered dealing with Fedex. Then we decided to start the renovations on our kitchen this year. I have a small kitchen and we are trying to piecemeal it so that we aren't paying a load of money all at once. So my husband found this marble topped buffet that he loved that would give us extra counterspace and provide us with colors that we liked and could now rely on for the refinished cabinetry. The buffet left FedEx on Friday and two day delivery was the only way the company will ship. So the furniture vanished on Monday - but they quickly found it and guaranteed delivery on the 3rd. I made sure I would be home all day yesterday. I watched the truck sail by my house at 6pm, but I figured he'd go down the road and then back up like usual. By 7:30, still no sign of him. So I started calling. I finally got a live person at 7:45 and she has to have been the most idiotic airhead known to man. Her first response was that he was running late. I told her I'd rearranged my day because delivery had been assured. So she responded by saying that mistakes happen and that I would have to make sure someone is home all day today because she has no idea what time he'll come. I told her I wanted delivery first thing in the morning. Flat out, I was told they do not guarantee delivery times and that I'd just have to reschedule my day to make sure I was home until 7pm. So I started getting mean - by this point I really didn't care-- she went into her computer system and then said that she'd found a driver note stating "The furniture is too bulky to deal with tonight, so I'll deliver when I have more time this week." What kind of pathetic excuse is that??? They will accept the money for the delivery but then hold off delivering because it is too bulky?

Save yourself the hassle - UPS has never let me down.

Nashville Star

Congratulations to Chris Young. I knew he'd take the contest, so I am thrilled to find out I was right.

I can't say I was a huge fan of his singing (though he is rather nice eye-candy). What impressed me is that he went out on a limb and played songs that HE wrote. He didn't do the karaoke bit that everyone else did. He showed guts and proved he had talent to spare. His voice is a little twangy for my liking, but then that's my issue with most country. I don't like the twang. However, his song is certain to become a country hit - it has all the right components. And did I say he's certainly not bad to look at? I'm curious to see if he can go all the way once he has his record finished and in the stores.

Okay, telemarketing people, listen up!

Sure you have a job to do. I won't argue that, but I still won't be nice.

For the past two weeks, I have been getting phone calls from the same 801- number. It is a company called Western Research. Now Western Research is my target for this evening. They need to get over themselves, get a life, and stay the hell away from my phone lines. I'm past the point of being polite now.

Let me start by saying that I am on the Federal Do Not Call Registry, for as little good as it does. Survey people are not covered, they can still call when they choose.

Western Research has called me as early as 7:10am and as late as 9:30pm. I have caller ID so I ignore them. They called again this afternoon - and for the third time, they left me this message--

"This is so and so from Western Research. Hello? Is someone home? Hello? Please answer the phone, we need to talk to you. Hello? We know you are home, please answer."

I'm not freaking kidding. Three times and they've left creepy messages saying they know I am home. So I changed the message on my answering machine and I thought they might get the hint, however they still didn't. They still left that message. So next time, I will be answering the phone.

If Western Research is the company I am thinking of, they did the same thing with my parents a couple years ago. They were calling about the movie and television industry and how wrong it is that more violence is being shown on TV. So I've decided I'm going to answer the phone and when I'm done, I KNOW they won't call me again.

NASCAR

I never was into Nascar until last year. Then while flipping channels one day, my husband and I came across a Nascar Poker Championship. I LOVE Texas Hold'Em. I'm a Hold'Em addict. So we watched the championship not knowing who the players really were. So I watched and soon found myself entertained by the antics of Ryan Newman and Elliot Sadler. My husband was amused by Tony Stewart, so from that point on we started watching portions of the races. Now we tend to watch the majority of the races. He roots Tony Stewart on and I root for Ryan and Elliot, though preference usually goes to Ryan. (Thanks to my hubby's front office for supplying me with a world of Alltel goods thanks to their new wire contract!)

One thing amazes me. People can watch for the crashes or whatever draws them into the world of Nascar. Jimmie Johnson - don't like him - I went to school with a Jimmie Johnson that lived here for a couple years in middle and high school and then he moved south. Though I'm sure that this is not the same person, I can't stand him on name alone. And then his behavior on the track fits well with the Jimmie Johnson I knew, so it's a double whammy for him. Everyone's little poster boy - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Don't like him either.

The Busch brothers drive me nuts.

The drumroll for most obnoxious has to go to Jeff Gordon.

I realize those guys have their fan bases, but you won't hear anything in praise of them from me.

So, it comes down to why I have begun watching Nascar. Those guys are amazing drivers. They drive in high speed traffic jams that would have me wetting myself, yet if a crash occurs they magically happen to steer around the crashed cars in my cases. Their skill is mesmerizing. I think I'd be fine with Ryan or Elliot behind the wheel. I'll happily put myself in their hands!

Parenting 101

Okay, I feel the need to point this out. I would HOPE that the majority of parents out there have a clue, but I'm starting to learn that not everyone has the common sense one would think they inherited at birth.

If you have two children - one 14 and one 17 who have proven themselves to be very unreliable via drug use, poor friend/boyfriend/girlfriend options, episodes with huffing that come close to a terminating a life, etc., don't think these same kids will be PERFECTLY fine without adult supervision while you go off to Italy for a week.

I'm sorry but these responsible children have been having what appear to be mass orgy sleepovers. The 14 year old's 21 year old girlfriend moved in without hours of your departure. The 17 year old's drug dealing boyfriend moved in the next day. There have also been two other cars there all night - who knows who they are.

The banging on my door last night at 11ish proves that these irresponsible idiots need supervision all the time. I didn't catch them this time, but when I do I will call police and press charges if necessary. You may not care what your children do, but I will not have them harassing my family.

Summer Obstruction

They can try to call what they do to roads and interstates "construction" but to be "construction" it should be constructive. I find it is more obstructive, so I long since dubbed construction as obstruction, hence my bitch of the day.

We had to go to Home Depot and Walmart last night which means getting on the interstate. The interstate here sucks and is usually very rough. Thankfully, the state has deemed our section awful and they are repaving. So for a five or six mile stretch the road is scarified and nasty. So we went through the section where they were working. It is closed to one lane. We finally got through the first batch and found a sign that increased the speed limit to 65, yet signs stating that work zones are 55mph and double fines are given if you are caught speeding. So we became confused - not that we were going to go 65 on scarified pavement anyway.

A 1/2 mile down the road more signs warning 55mph and double fines appeared which make us wonder what the 65 sign was all about?

Anyway--- after 6 miles the zone actually came to an end. Why we were one-laned for 6 miles baffled us too. There were one set of workers near the interstate on-ramp - there were no others. The on-ramp is right near the beginning of the work zone. Why not close it to one lane in the one stop they were working? Why go 6 full miles when you are not touching those other 5 1/2 miles???

News from around my area...

So, I've been told I can be a pretty amazing gossip. Maybe it's all the chick lit I read. :-)

Anyway, so today is going to be gossip day. Ready? (Remember that these are my observations so maybe I'm missing something more to the story--maybe...)

1. Action heated up on Saturday night in my back yard when I watched a local 14 year old sneak off with his 21-year-old "They're really only friends" girlfriend. Sure... and I'm a virgin who happens to have two kids through childbirth. Only friends.... At midnight when a 21 year old pulls off on the side of a nearby road and waits for her 14 year old "friend" to sneak out of the house, you know there is much more going on than friendship. There is a whole other term for that kind of buddy. I'm not sure what disturbs me more (not that it really is any of my business and I do know that) that this 21 year old female is interested in a 14 year old boy whose mental age is probably 10 tops or that the mother seems so blind to it. I'd be throwing down statutory rape charges so fast it would make her head spin!

2. So a rare frog has been found in the area where Walmart has been trying to build a store for 15 years now. Funny how this "rare frog" was seen recently and comes from Africa orginally. Five bucks says that hippie environmental firm from MA who wants Vermont to be Walmart free planted it there. Why does an organization out of Massachussets who doesn't pay VT taxes get a say anyway?

3. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby. Anyone know if she screamed during birth? I really hope she did! If not, hopefully she embedded her foot up his behind and then told him to expel it without making any noise.


Anyway... it's sunny outside and I want to be out in it. So I'm off for now, but I plan to share more gossip soon.

Movies

So we went and saw Scary Movie 4 on Friday night. It has its good and bad points. Obviously, this is a spoof, anyone going to the movie thinking the humor will be high class is wrong. I'm still surprised at the number of reviews I read where the critics were disgusted by the use of crude humor. Anyone knows that these spoofs rely on crude humor - think Airplane with the blow-up pilot... If crude humor is not your thing then don't go!

Carmen Electra's scene was so out of character to me that it was rather amusing. The spoof of Tom Cruise was a highlight and so close to the truth that he must be steaming mad right now. :-)

Now seeing Leslie Nielsen naked... that still makes me cringe. It's kind of like another movie where Jack Nicholson and Kathy Bates were naked together. I enjoy them as actors/actresses, but seeing them naked is a whole other ballgame.

Meanwhile, there is something I noticed that has me pondering the fate of screenplay writers everywhere. While the previews were playing there is a strong leaning towards remaking movies of the 70's and 80's. Are there no good screenplays out there? Screenplay writers must suck wind. The Omen is being reissued. Superman is coming out yet again. The Poseidon Adventures.

Another trend is making movies from video games -- Doom, Lara Croft, now Halo and Castlevania are joining the action.

Today's News

I have a couple of issues that I've heard on the news...

First, what was up with Andy Rooney's segment last night. Why on earth did CBS cut him off so abruptly? I was cheering him one (he was discussing elementary school/middle school testing thanks to No Child Left Behind) and all the sudden it went to ads right in the middle of his sentence and they played ads for five minutes. When they returned credits were rolling.

Here we have the NECAP tests. My son and daughter's scores just returned. Now a couple of weeks ago, we went to parent/teacher conferences and were told that my daughter is having problems with reading comprehension. This really surprised me as she reads all the time at home and seems more than capable of retelling me the key parts. So I looked over her NECAP scores for reading comprehension. She got 11 right out of 13. That means she's having problems??? I find that disturbing. What kind of pressure are these kids under if two wrong equates to having difficulties?

I've had my fill of NECAP tests and want to see the education system overhauled. Children doing well in school get the money - the kids struggling find themselves in schools being cut off from federal funding because the kids can't pass these ludicrous tests. Oh, please. It comes down to the whole rich get richer principle that seems to dominate the world. Take the money from those who need it the most and give it to those who don't necessarily need it.

Another news story (this morning) truly ticked me off. A thirty-seven year old man was found guilty of molesting a 15 year old girl. It turns out this fifteen year old had the molester's baby and now he is suing for custodial rights. The fact that this is tying up the court system is absurd. He admits he molested her, though he says he thought it was consensual and he thinks he should get to see this baby. No freaking way!

Brokeback Mountain

So... I watched Brokeback Mountain a couple of days ago. I wanted to see if the hype was worth it. Typically, I don't trust Oscar nominees--- Crash bored me - it flipped around too much, yet it won best picture. I'm renting or going to the movies for entertainment not to have some artsy-fartsy director/producer/writer create some "vision" that borders more on art than on entertainment.

So with that in mind, I'm perhaps already biased. So Brokeback Mountain started. The setting is gorgeous and seeing Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal's behinds on camera isn't such a bad thing - men can have breasts, I'll stare at a nice tush anytime. ;-)

Brokeback Mountain started out boring me as usual. Day in and day out of moving a herd of sheep up in the mountains. It's tedious work in real life I'm certain, it's plain boring on screen. Then the two men decide they need sexual release and the action (if you don't mind me calling it that) begins. Now I have no issues with gay romance in reality---to each his/her own---but watching it was kind of pornish and creepy to me. I wound up skipping through those scenes. Gay sex just is not something I care to watch... and I am certain there are homosexuals who find man/woman sex to be just as icky. Again, it's a to each his/her own type deal.

Anyway... then the movie goes back to more sheepherding - again boring. Eventually the pair are pulled out of the mountain by Randy Quaid who knows what they've been doing and he's disgusted and doesn't want them working together ever again. Heath Ledger marries (Michelle Williams) and is miserable. Jake goes off and hooks up with one of my favorite actresses (Anne Hathaway) and has a son--he's miserable too. So the pair take off periodically for a "reunion fishing trip" and keep up their romance.

Now I realize times were different, but I still get pissy that these men toy with women. If you know you can't totally give your heart to a woman then do her a favor and don't marry her. From that point on, I know longer liked the characters. In the end, I did watch the entire movie and felt it was a waste of my time. It's one of those artsy films that just doesn't entertain me.

Music Industry

Okay, so it ticked you off that people were downloading. As someone who has over 1000 cds, albums, cassettes and 45's, I think you should stop hosing the public. I've supported your industry for years. I am, however, furious over your latest action and think it's time the public fights back.

For years, greatest hits albums added one or two new tracks ensuring that fans would wind up buying the greatest hits regardless of the fact that it was those one or two new tracks that made the album worth purchasing. That always steamed me, but I accepted it.

However, the new trick they are using should be illegal. I like Shakira's music. So when Oral Fixations Vol. 2 came out, I bought it the same day of the release. Now her new song - Hips Don't Lie - just came out, but it isn't on Oral Fixations Vol. 2. At least, not on the version they released a number of months ago. No, they have recut the album, added two tracks and are expecting those who have already bought it to go out and buy it again. This is absurd. Why not offer a huge discount/trade-in to those who bought it when it first came out.

Shakira is not the only artist whose record company is pulling this trick. Trisha Yearwood's record label has pulled the same trick. Is this a new trend? Probably. It's the way for the music industry to now punish fans. Am I going to buy the new Shakira album? Hell no. I'll find a way to get the additional two songs, and meanwhile, I am now boycotting Epic. Hopefully, other fans will follow suit.

Spring Ahead...

I hate the time change. I really hate the time change. Profound, I know, however, I watched the hours pass yesterday and at 11pm, I was still wide awake. Knowing I had to be up at 5:30am, I was not happy that my body was so freaking perky. So what happened?

Well, I finally fell asleep at about midnight. Then come 5am when my husband's alarm went off, I rolled over and fell into a deep sleep again. So come 5:45 I'm still sound asleep and showing no signs of coming to. In the end, I'm pooped and ready for bed - yet it's only 3:15. I see no need for the time change anymore, so let's do away with it for good!!

Then & Now

As I continue watching old episodes of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, I keep finding more "guest" stars who launched their career on this wacky show. I know I've mentioned Lawrence Fishburne before (and now the classic line - "How's your weiner, Pee Wee?" will be stuck in my head forever.) . But as I've been watching more shows, I have found a very young Jimmy Smits, Sandra Bernhard... David Letterman's part-time cohort Larry "Bud" Melman. It's very funny to watch them on that show.

It also makes me wonder what happened to other actors and actresses that I've loved in the past. Some seem to just vanish.

What a difference...

I have two girls with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today we reached 55 or so and it was sunny without a cloud in sight. So from 8am on, neither girl wanted to come inside. I'm happy to be out in the sun. What strikes me as funny is that one of these girls HATES winter and often complains about being outside when it is winter. Even during the warm spell in January, she'd carry on about being outside. Today, she carried on about having to go inside to eat lunch before the school bus. It's funny how all it takes is a good dose of sun.

I'm not arguing though. I loved being outside myself. My cheeks feel slightly rosy, so I might have spent too much time out there. I'm going to have to run to the store for more sunscreen. The rest of the week is the same - sun, warming, and not a cloud in the sky.

Tracy

Weather

I love the arrival of spring. It was cool, but not so cold that you needed a winter coat yesterday. (At least by VT standards.) 50 to me is pretty warm after winter! So we got our cold weather crops in yesterday, and I can't wait for a garden full of spinch and peas.

Then as night fell, we figured it was perfect weather for our first bonfire of the season. It's not really a bonfire per se, but more a large campfire. We had a tree that we'd removed last fall and we set it all on fire with pine needles that we'd racked out of the yard. I don't think there is anything nicer than a cool night, cuddling up next to a warm fire, and then just looking at the stars. I'm so psyched that spring is here! Hopefully anyway...

My Hat Is Off To...

I'm finally over this long-lasting cold that lead to a mild case of bronchitis (always a pain.) It had been two years since I'd had a really good/bad cold, so I wasn't enjoying life. Anyway, I have also been busy with various ghostwriting assignments, so I decided to catch up on other stuff today. Meanwhile, I have a few things to be serious, AND, sarcastic about today.

So my hat is off to...

1. Guys who build houses in freezing temperatures. I'm watching a crew build a house behind us. They've been working all week in 20 to 30 degree temperatures laying concrete, putting in the well, laying crushed stone for the driveway base, getting the foundation dug and poured. I'll happily go out and walk in this weather, but stand out there for 10 hours a day and work.... NO thanks!

2. Men and women who do everything while their wives or girlfriends, husbands or boyfriends help out very little. I'm talking about the man or woman who cooks, cleans, shops, does all the laundry, tends to the children, pays the bills, etc. all while holding a full-time job. Meanwhile the significant other goes out partying or "works late". I'd loan you my husband or self to help out just cause you are such a decent role model, but then I'm afraid you couldn't afford us. ;-)

3. The mailman and UPS man. At my house, these men (I'd say women, but they are both men so...) bust butt on a daily basis toting packages to my door. I treat them as well as I can with goodies as surprises for holidays and the likes. I know they are paid to do this, but regardless of the wintery roads, they are always dependable and I bet they don't often hear it.

4. Simon Cowell. I keep watching and wonder why Paula Abdul is still on the show. Whatever she is taking (and I'm certain she's taking something), it's really starting to become overtly apparent. Toppled glasses of whatever she drinks, screwed up speech, horrible grammar, flapping arm movements (what is with last night's seal clapping--clapping just the palm of her hands and nothing else???) She's on something. I know she was/is bulimic and I'm betting she's on some kind of happy pill for depression, anxiety or manic depression. Something's up with her. Meanwhile, Simon continues to be the dose of reality to the contestants. Chicken Little (whatever your real name is) sorry but you suck. You seriously, and I'm not exaggerating here, put me to sleep last night. You hit the chorus and I was out. You may have your little girl groupies, but you don't sing fantastically! You made me miss Ace. Thank God I caught Mandesa (if that's how you spell it), Kathryn, and Chris first. If you'd been first, I'd be cursing you right about now.

Now comes the sarcasm...

5. A special thanks to the delightful teenagers in my neighborhood who hung out late on Saturday night (Sunday morning) and smashed beer bottles all over the road. That certainly adds an air of atmosphere to the neighborhood. I especially LOVE keeping my dog's paws and little kids' boots out of the glass. I have just one more kind word for you... "Remember that will eventually have a kid who is JUST like you." I hope I'm there to see it. ;-)

6. To teachers that lie to parents. What excellent role models you are for our children. I definitely suggest researching what you tell a parent first. Some of us are just shrewd enough to check the facts that you are spouting. My children may not have you yet, but when they do I hope you are prepared for battle with a little more of a factoral base than you've shown thus far.

7. Drivers using cell phones. The slick running of the stop sign certainly deserves applause. My kids appreciate your thoughtfulness too! New lesson for you, stop means stop and turn off the damn phone until you've safely (emphasis on safely) pulled over.

8. To Bob and all those who think staying hard 24/7 is what women want. I get enough emails from you, so there must be a large percentage of you out there. Guess again! It's quality not quantity! Bob from the commercials - I flip away now if I get the slightest hint you are about to make an appearance. You drive me batty and not in a pleasant way. I'd like to ship you, the Geico Gecko, and Rich Tarrant to the same island where you have no chance of escape.

9. Rich Tarrant. You may be running against Bernie. I won't vote for you. Do I even know a speck about you? No, I just know your stupid soap opera "to be continued" ads are driving me insane. So you've lost my vote due to your ads. You need to find a new campaign advisor!